If you have kids or remember being one you are familiar with their reasoning for why something was or wasn’t done. “Did you do your homework?”, you ask, thinking it a reasonable question.”No, because Katie had the flu and we weren’t supposed to bring peanuts and Jeremy, not the one who’s father’s in Japan, the other Jeremy broke the aquarium and there were fish everywhere and we had to use the new classroom and the guy didn’t come for the sprinkler and today there were turtles.” WTF does that have to do with the question I asked you, you want to say, but if you don’t live in a trailer park you suppress that urge and try to get to the issue at hand, which is or was homework before you learned way too much about why Janie’s Mom smells like cinnamon.
You know why they do it. To bury you in a mountain of bullshit so you will be distracted from the issue at hand. Unfortunately, this phase does not end when you start packing your own lunch. Most of us, myself included, do this. Did I get writing done today? “No, because I forgot my external keyboard and my laptop keyboard sucks and the air conditioning is loud and I don’t know if the roommate will be here this month and I have a lot of other things to think about and oh shit I’m stressed and have a lot of problems to solve and should I go to Arizona and should I use my headphones or my earbuds and I have to eat and I have to write that other email which I didn’t write and now I’m running out of steam, dammit. Wait, what time is it? I have to talk to the landlord and eat and I want to watch that thing on Netflix”.
I have discovered a handy tool for cutting out distracting excuses, both yours and those of other people. It is simply this: When you hear the word “because”, you should ignore what follows 99% of the time and replace those words with [insert bullshit here]. You should see that caption when your kid is babbling on about why there’s a snake hiding somewhere in the car and you should see it when you launch into an explanation to yourself or your friends about why you aren’t getting things done. “Because this phone sucks and I hate my carrier and the neighbors are so nosy and [insert bullshit here].”
When you hear yourself say, “Because . . .” stop yourself right there. Save yourself time and embarrassment. The world is Joe Friday — just the facts, that’s all it cares about. Get your work done and save the Becauses for when your spouse catches you playing hooky with Janie’s Mom.