Wouldn’t it be great to understand yourself better? And easily, without having an fMRI while being examined by a psychiatrist while on DMT? I have one for you: Pay attention to the things you say. Especially the things you say frequently. I’ve started doing this and the results are illuminating.
For most of my life, when a friend asked what I’d been up to lately, my answer was typically something like, “I was thinking . . .” or “I’ve been feeling . . .” or “I tried to . . .” or “I failed at . . .” and then would recount my latest venture, which usually failed. I finally noticed that I led with the truth. When I said, “I’ve been thinking” it didn’t really matter what followed — I had already said the important part, had already summed it up: I was Thinking. Or Feeling. Or Hoping. Or Trying. More accurately, Try-ing. The hyphen is there because that’s what I was really doing: not trying exactly, but try-ing. Look, I tried. And worst of all, Fail-ing. And let’s not forget Almost-ing. What’s that, you ask? It’s my favorite. I almost do things. I almost got that better job. I almost took that relationship to a new level. I Almosted so much that I became expert at it. I took me a long time to consciously connect with what I had actually been doing for years — not actually nearly succeeding, but Almosting.
You probably do the same thing in your own way. You say “I got so mad” or “I didn’t know what to do, so . . .” or “I told him . . .”. You say what you really did. “I felt so helpless”. Yes, and? You’ve told us that’s what you were doing: Feeling helpless. Getting angry. Telling him.
Take a little time and ask yourself whether you habitually say certain things, or certain kinds of things. People tend to accidentally say what they really mean. I don’t mean when they are trying to conceal something but when they are just talking. People reveal themselves in small things. What do you say that is habitual? I’ll bet it’s very significant, whether it’s about how it’s always the other guy’s fault or how often you were aggravated or how many things “just happened”.
So write down your favorite phrases. If you aren’t sure what they are, simply list the things you say most often. And — here’s the tough part — don’t explain them away. “Of course I’m aggravated, I’m surrounded by idiots!” Don’t fall into the trap of self-righteousness. Examine what you say. Especially notice what your favorite verbs are. Because that’s what you’re really DOing. See if there’s another way. Yes, you are surrounded by idiots. But what are you doing? Before you launch into your explanation, take a hard look at the things you do. Because habit is a powerful force. Regardless of circumstances, you will find a way to keep doing those things. If you want to your life to change, Do something else.